Marshrutka Madness

 “Curiouser and curiouser” – Alice, Alice in Wonderland

"I'm investigating things that begin with the letter M" - The Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland

In this land of curiosities there is nothing more “curiouser” than a маршрутка/marshrutka (which starts with M!).  When I first arrived in Russia I was told this was the most difficult of transportation methods.  A representative from the American Consulate specifically mentioned that marshrutkas were also amongst the most dangerous forms of transportation here – not quite a gypsy cab (exactly what it sounds like – stick your hand out and the first car that stops will give you the price and you get in at your own peril) but still risky business.  Well, the warnings had their place but frankly the marshrutka is my favorite form of transportation.  For all of its quirks it is still more reliable than trolleybuses, the ‘avtobuses’, metro, and even cabs -  по моему мнению.  The marshrukta is my daily entertainment both to and from Smolniy!

What is a marshrutka?  It’s a small, privately owned ‘bus’.  I say ‘bus’ and not bus because the K-46 marshrutkas are white vans, like ice cream trucks, with a haphazard arrangement of seats and metal poles to hold on to in the back.  These ‘busses’ can have anywhere from one to nearly 40 other passengers crammed in depending on the time of day and weather.  40 of your nearest and dearest smelly Russian friends (yes, к сожалению/unfortunately the smell of armpits is quite common) stacked on top of one another in a heap for 30 rubles a go.  But why bother with it if it has such smelly potential to be uncomfortably crowded AND costs nine more rubes than the avtobus or five more than the metro?!

The answer is simple – entertainment value.

Each morning I meet my crew at the metro station near the house to catch the K-46.  Sometimes it comes.  Sometimes we wait.  But every morning we all attempt to get into the same marshrutka.  I say attempt because… well just keep reading.

Here are a few of the more eventful rides:

1)      “Barbara Streisand” – There we were, crammed into too few seats at the back of the K-46.  We lucked out and didn’t have to stand and grip a pole or fellow rider for dear life on this marshrutka although it started and stopped along the road as if a Driver’s Ed. student was at the wheel.  The driver switched on the radio to keep everyone entertained in the peak evening traffic and on pops “Barbara Streisand” by Ducksauce.  As soon as the first chorus played the ‘bus’ stalled out.  General dysfunction is fairly common with on marshrutkas.  They are not always well kept and often stall out, shake and screech to a halt at each stop – but at least they start and stop.  This one however, did not start back up again...  It just sat there in the middle of the busy road blocking traffic as the song played and cars honked.  We ended up hopping out (as the driver yelled incoherently after us) and finding bus along the same route.  30 rubes down the drain…

2)       “Watch me get off this marshrutka!” - One of the advantages of riding a marshrutka you see, is that the driver will stop just about anywhere along its set маршрут/marshroot (route) if you ask properly.  The catch?  If you don’t ask, you don’t stop.  And if you don’t ask properly then the marshrutka will stop wherever the driver chooses.    As a student of Russian language it can be rather stressful to politely ask the driver to stop at a given place with a properly conjugated sentence loud enough for the driver to hear.  Especially within the first couple weeks of living in Russia.  The first few rides we all sat there like penguins trying to push one or the other of us to stop the marshrutka first – NOSE GOES!  But now we’re pros. 

Sy standing by the door.  He was closest to the driver  so he got to do the honors of stopping  the marhsrutka.

3)      “Shoddy!” – The most comfortable seat on a marshrutka is up front.  You have the most space – no one crowding you, you can see the road and thus where you want to stop, and (most importantly to us new Russian speakers) you do not have to scream over the heads of the other passengers and can just quietly ask the driver to stop.  This extremely coveted space is almost always taken by a babushka (old woman) but Margot, my marshrutka mate, managed to steal the seat while simultaneously shouting, “SHODDY” in English, causing everyone on the street and in the marshrutka to stare.

Margot sittin' shoddy!

4)      “Chump Change” – On public transportation a worker comes around and collects fare from each passenger once on the bus or trolley or what have you.  Marshrutkas work a bit different (bet you didn’t see that one coming!).  The name of the game is get onboard.  Once there, you sift through your bags and pockets for the proper amount of change and pass it forward.  If you need change, it will be passed back.  No need to get up or move around (if you can).  If the front seat is the best spot on a marshrutka, then the seat just behind the driver is the worst!  All you do, the whole trip is pass change back and forth. 

That lovely lady with the glasses was passing change her whole ride.

5)       “Ass to Ass” (Also “Nut to Butt” for some of you) – Marshrutkas are small.  Very small.  They look even smaller than they actually are.  Well that or the same magic in Mary Poppins’ purse is at work on every marshrutka in Russia.  It is absolutely incredible to see a small white van pull up to a street corner and sit there bobbing as 20, 30, sometimes 40 people hop out of it.  It is downright comical to watch a mop of people congregate somewhere on the street and flag down a marshrutka.  No WAY they’ll all fit in, right?!  *Ahem* They always do.  Somehow. (It’s magic.  There is no other explanation.)  One morning my morning crew and I were a part of such a mop.  We did a headcount at one point – it was upwards of 40 (we kept letting a few on and off here and there along the road).  Nicole started singing “Ass to Ass” because we, erm… standing a bit close?  None of us could stop laughing.  At least we couldn’t see everyone staring at us through the ridiculous mass of bodies crammed into this rolling metal death trap as we laughed and sang in English. 

This is what a Marshrutka full of 40 people looks like.  From the middle.

6)      “Never leave a man behind.  Except when getting onto a Marshrutka.” – Sometimes you get left behind.  And there is nothing you or your marshrutka mates can do about it.  To be honest, the first time I stopped the marshrutka on my own was one such time.  No sooner had I stepped inside and paid then the driver drove away – sliding door open, people hanging out and all.  The marshrutka was not nearly at max capacity.  There was no traffic jam behind him.  He just drove off as I watched my crew waving at me with frowns on the sidewalk.

A less crowded marshrutka. 

7)      “MOVE KID” – Another ‘left behind’ moment.  Nicole and I got onto the nearly empty marshrutka but Sy could not fit.  He, being a gentleman, told us to go ahead and he would catch the next one.  Except that there was plenty of room!  It was just that a young boy of about 12 was standing in the doorway and refused to move back so Sy could get on!  I mean REFUSED!  So the marshrutka left без Сайа/’bez Sya’ (without Sy).

Me holding on to the roof and reading - aka doin' what the locals do.  Margot liked my book.

      


      Marshrutkas are governed by the logic of the Mad Hatter.  Afterall, "Anyone can go by horse or rail, but the absolute best way to travel is by hat," said the Mad Hatter.   And by 'hat' he meant 'marshrutka'.